I remember when I was younger it seemed as though everyday was a fresh new start and a brand new opportunity to explore, play, and learn.
Now it's all the same. Every fucking day I always wake up with the desperate sense of repetition and I constantly say to myself, "just try and make it". Every day, all day, all the time, its just these 4 walls with the same lifeless faces on the wall, and the same lifeless face staring right back at them. Every fucking day its always the same faces on the monitor and the same fucking voice coming from the speakers. The same songs. The same news. Someone is dead. People are hungry. We are losing money. However, when I get to school, I see new faces. This is such a relief, I finally get to experience raw emotions from other people like me. But sooner or later, the repetition settles in again. Everyone puts their head down and shuffles along just trying to get through the day and preform their duties like machines. Sometimes I forget that the people around me are not machines. We are more than machines. We've cried. We've laughed. We've made love. We've lost loved ones. We were all kids once. Everyone wants to play. But those who are forced to play, can never play. You're a player just like me. You've been apart of this game for awhile. You just haven't been aware of it until now. There's people around you who know how to play, and they're trying to give you a head start. Your teachers, your parents, your family, and maybe even your true friends. However, most of them are playing to win. You cant win this game, no one ever has. Do you know why? Because, if you were to "win", the game would be over, wouldn't it? Everything you see around you will be right here when you leave. But you'll never know that. Winners of the game, are given the title of "winner" because the other players recognized that individual as the victor of the game, right? But how will you ever win, when all of the players you're playing with will leave just like you. There will be no more players, and you wont be a winner. After that, someone else will enter the game to take your place, and the repetition occurs over and over again. Play to play, do not play to win. You will drive yourself insane you believe that your eventual involvement in the rat race is permanent, and not temporary. While it is true that you are apart of one big rat race. It's not your fault. None of us were asked if we wanted to play. We are just players. But I'm glad I get to play with you. After all, we've been playing since the start. Who's to say that I wont see you again.
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I am always awkward when it involves trying to be the coolest guy in the room to impress the girls.
I always wake up too late and complain about how school starts way to early for people like me. I never want to take the advice of adults and think I know what I'm doing all the time. I can't control my hormones so the only thing on my mind is sex and worrying about my sex appeal. I sneak out of the house and go hang out with my friends and get high. I go to school with teachers who have lost hope in my generation and scorn us for being inexperienced. I am constantly annoyed by responsibility and procrastinate all of my work until the next day, or next week I walk alone during the night trying to find answers to questions bigger than myself. I lay in bed all night wondering what I did wrong and if people actually like me. I worry too much about if people really care about what I am doing all the time. I worry too much about trying to fit in and become part of a clique. I come home from school and lay on my bed getting lost in music that speaks the words I cant say. I feel good when a teacher or an adult says they are proud of me and I'm doing good work. I lie about doing that work, when I just copied it from someone else. I always look forward to the next break or 3 day vacation. I go out to football games and watch movies late at night. I hang out with a girl who says I am the best she has ever had. I think she is the most important thing in my life. I say I love you before I know what love means. I think I know what's best for me. I shut people out who are just trying to help me. I see my friends disappear and drop out of school. I see them trying to find that next hit instead of finding what their dreams are. I see some of them pass away for an accident that we think can never happen to us. I remember when times used to be simpler. I just want to go back to the times when I didn't care. I reach an all time low. I feel low, all the time. I wish I didn't feel. I wish I was dead. I remember the good times. I smile. I order a pizza I eat the whole thing. I lay back and enjoy my youth for the moment. I am a teenager. Dear Uncle Craig,
Yoh have been a tremendous help for me throughout the years. Back when I first moved over here you've always been able to make me feel like I had someone to look up to when I get older. I still remember the night I got in serious trouble with my mom and you came over and asked me to take a walk with you. I still remember what you told me about how you did things like I did when you were younger, but you still warned me about the consequences about being reckless. I appreciate every time you come over you sit and talk to me for like 3 hours at a time. Sometimes I just want you to shut up but in all honesty everything you have said to me I've tried to use your advise to make my life better. Also, thanks for letting me buy that car off of you, even though it's a stick shift. Oh yeah, thanks for teaching me how to drive that thing too, I know I almost ruined the transmission but you were patient and had faith in me knowing I would eventually get it. Thank you for showing me wonderful music such as Rush, Broken Bells, and Led Zepplin. You've always been a cool dude, and I've always tried to make you proud and I hope I've succeeded. You're the shit, man. Sincerely, Gabe I remember over the summer of 2013 my friends David and Tyler occompanied me for a spring break trip that took place at an awesome beach house in Long Beach. We were so excited for the trip that we prepared for it days ahead of time so that we can do everything we wanted to do while we were there. One thing we really wanted to do was find giant rocks to climb and see who get to the top first. Another thing we wanted to do was to go out on the beach at night and try to escape the high tide or find crabs or anything else. When the time finally came for us to pack our things and start heading out for Long Beach we all strapped ourselves into the back of my moms Subaru and began our journey. Once we started our trip to the cabin it was a little before the afternoon, maybe 4:30, but by the time we got there it was already dark and we were tired from just sitting there crammed in the back seat. David and I decided that it would be a good idea to just relax until we all fell asleep. My mom brought a bunch of snacks and other food on the trip and one thing we told her to bring was Hot Cheetos. I don’t remember exactly how fast we ate the entire bag but as soon as I saw the bag open you would’ve blinked and it was gone. We stayed up for awhile and soon we finally fell asleep. The next morning we didn’t even have breakfast we just ran out into the sun and found a trail that led onto the shore. We made our way onto the beach and we ran into the water, the water was super cold but we didn’t care because we were at the freaking beach dude. Our eyes were caught by the glimpse of a giagantic hill and all we could thing was “let’s climb to the top and run as fast as we can down it and jump as high as we can so we can get some serious air!” Once we got on top of the hill we looked upon the beach and stared for like a minute trying to catch our breath. We all looked at each other and started to run. We probably weren’t going that fast but damn I felt like I was Forest Gump in Vietnam I was flying down that hill. Meanwhile, David was picking up some serious speed, once he found his peak he jumped as high as he could and dude this kid was like 6 feet off the ground. His landing wasn’t that graceful though, he fell on his face and ate a bunch of sand. His face hitting the sand made a sound that echoed and all you could hear after that was Tyler and I crying because we were laughing so hard. This is the best memory I have of my two friends, hopefully I’ll be able to experience this again because Tyler and I are going hiking over spring break so instead of jumping off of hills we are going to jump off of mountains! If my house was on fire and all of my family and pets were able to get out in time and I only had one item I could rescue I would have no idea what to take. Well first off, there’s all my books I have, I guess since I won’t be having TV for awhile after my house burns down I can still entertain myself. Another thing to I could take could possibly be all of my picture frame of my girlfriend and I. If I took that I would be able to look back and think how lucky I was to be alive and survive so I could see her again. Or maybe I would take my brand new guitar my grandpa just gave me. It’s an acoustic guitar that has a glossy black finish to it and it’s strings are just close enough to the fret board so you can play more comfortably. I suppose I could fill my guitar case with my books, and all of my pictures of my girlfriend and I, and I suppose that would classify itself as one item? I don’t see a reason why it wouldn’t. So I guess if I decided to leave the oven on one afternoon or suddenly decided to play my mix-tape around the house to where it would suddenly erupt into flames, I would take my guitar case with all of my pictures and books. Maybe after my house burned down and my mom and I were homeless I could walk around town playing my guitar so I could pick up some cash along the way. Then maybe, if I progressed my skills, I could become famous and make a lot of money and be able to buy a better house for us then ours was in the beginning before it burnt down. Even though that’s highly unlikely, maybe if my house really did burn down I would be motivated to do that. Or maybe I would die in the fire because I was too lazy to get up out of bed. That seems more realistic to me.
To be fair my break wasn't bad at all. I had a lot of fun hanging out with my friends and my girlfriend and even got to visit some family for the holidays. But the thought that was always resting at the back of my head of having to go back to school sometime in the next 4 days kept manifesting into my current thoughts. Lets not forget to be real here, if I had the choice to sit around and do absolutely nothing for the rest of the school year (or for the rest of my life) I'd be totally fine with that. Unfortunately, you don't have the choice to do that; you do, but you wouldn't be able to last very long in the world. I wish I was a tortoise or a sloth, I mean I practically am. I read slow, I talk slow, I move slow, but I seem to eat very quickly. But anyway, when new years eve arrived I was excited about going to a little party at my girlfriends house where I would be able to relax and eat some hot food after a long night at work. Working on New Years eve was a major drag and a pain in the ass because I don't have that type of job where I am isolated from the general public, I have to deal with everybody all at one time. But time flew by when I was working my ass off so soon enough I was kicking back with some champagne and watching people in Time Square get hammered and see celebrities perform mediocre live performances. After about 10 minutes into the new year it was time for me to head home and go to bed. As soon as I went to bed I could feel my throat starting to feel raspy and hurt like I was getting sick. This wasn't good, I definitely didn't want to have my first day of school showing up as a washed up sick sack of insomnia infested meat. 3 days I felt my cold coming on I started to get a feeling that I was freezing to the bone and my mother ended up checking my temperature, I had a 100 degree fever. Perfect.
I hate being sick. It just gets in the way of your time and it makes your body feel like shit. But I found out that's good about being sick (depends on how you look at it) is that you're allowed to be lazy and have an excuse for it. I guess that's why my English teacher is sick all the time. Christmas LightsThe best feeling in the world to a high school student or just any student in general is the feeling of waking up and knowing you don't have to travel the circles of hell and get to relax for a couple weeks. I love winter break, there is so much peace and serenity that comes with the passing of the holiday season. Family and friends are key roles to any holiday this time of the season. Last night when my girlfriend got off work I was invited to a traditional event held by her family where they drive up and around the rich neighborhoods and admire the Christmas lights. Unquestionably I agreed to ride along with her family and witness all of the rich people put on their amazing light shows. My girlfriend informed me about a particular house that was special, not only because this house possessed extravagant lights that danced all around with flashes of green, blue, red, purple, and white lights. This house was special because if you turned to a certain radio channel then the current song that was playing would match precisely with the lights emitting from the house. No doubt about it, once I was able to witness this, I was blown away by the innovative and vibrant light show that will without question be a fond memory I can cherish and reflect on for its festive beauty. Yet even though we drove around for at least an hour, my girlfriends mother said that we were all going to Shari's and eat some sweet deserts.
Once we were inside the restaurant, we were greeted by our waiter who was a young man with a friendly charm that showed us to our seats. While I was looking over the desert menu, I felt my girlfriends elbow softly strike my side. I took my eyes off the menu to see what it was, and she said "When he comes back look at his name tag." "Alright" I said. By the time he returned with our beverages I glanced upon his name tag which read "Han Solo". This made me laugh and I was trying to hold back growling like Chewbacca to see what his reaction would be. My girlfriends mother laughed as well and asked "So, is that your real name or whats the deal?" He smiled and laughed and told us a story how when he was first starting the job they didn't have his correct name tag with his name on it; so they told him to inspect the bin full of name tags and find an extra, and he just so happened to find one that read Han Solo. After that story, we ate our desert and we were all satisfied by the night we had and decided it was time to head home. They dropped me off and I bid them farewell and that I would surely see them again. I got ready for bed and once I was laying on my bed I thought about the night I just had and how fun it really was. These nights like this one, are the type of memory that will stay with you forever. Surely, I was lucky to be able to share this memory with my family, and be able to think back to when my days are without youth and excitement and remember just how splendid life can be at times. For those of you who aren't acquainted with my social group or have no knowledge of my close friends (most of you) there is a particular story I always think about whenever I am hanging out with my friend Cody. There have been many numerous times Cody and I have done stupid things only best friends can do. So here is some context, Cody and I have been friends since freshman year and he has always been one grade higher than me. Since this year I am a junior that means my best friend is graduating with this years senior class and to be honest I'm quite not sure what to think about that. It is a weird feeling to think about how one of my closest friends is going to be moving on in life and is on his way to becoming a college student and eventually an adult. Anyway, today is the first day of winter break and we decided to hang out and there is always a funny story we reflect on whenever we hangout and talk about good times. It was a Saturday, and neither of us had homework to do besides studying (but lets be honest studying isn't really homework). Since there was no homework to be done and nowhere to go we decided to hang out all day. Cody lives fairly close to me, not even a mile away, so it was always very easy to just chill and relax whenever we had the spare time. On this day, I had the idea of spending the night at his house because I was tired of staying at home all the time and being bored out of my mind. Cody had a copy of Black Ops 2 so nights at his house were always entertaining. My mother was gone for the weekend seeing her current girlfriend down in Yakima so she called my uncle Craig and asked him if he could swing by every now and then to my house and check up on me and my dogs. The thing about my uncle Craig though is that he is just like me but even more lazy if you could believe that. He eventually came over during the afternoon while Cody and I were in my room watching ghetto fight videos on Youtube (would highly recommend, you won't be disappointed). Craig was out in the living room watching Stephan Colbert and eating a bowl of butterfingers when I informed him that I was going to Cody's house to hang out. "I don't give a f***, don't get in trouble." he said while pieces of chocolate were falling into his beard. I laughed and said farewell and soon enough Cody and I were walking and preparing for an awesome night. When we eventually got to Cody's house and so happened to pick up some drinks and snacks on the way there, his brother had a friend over as well and his step dad told him that we would be to much company and that we had to leave. Yeah, it was dumb and confusing but I really didn't want to argue with his stepdad, and I'm sure he didn't either because it was obvious that he didn't have time to because he was working. The whole situation was a drag but I came up with the idea that we would just walk back to my house and we would just crash there. He thought it was a good idea so we headed back to my house as soon as we were done eating our snacks and playing a quick round of Black Ops 2. Let me get this straight, boys are stupid. Just the fact that we were teenage boys only makes the situation worse but all the more hilarious. The fact that my mom was away for the weekend was awesome because we could have the whole house to ourselves and be able to do whatever we want. No, we weren't going to throw a party or invite girls over or preform occult rituals in my attic, we were far below the social hierarchy to be able to do things like that. Our idea of a party was ordering pizza and listening to music really loud and singing karaoke. But there was one problem that prevented us from throwing our own awesomtacular baller party...my uncle was still on the couch watching Game of Thrones. "Dude he is probably going to leave soon" said Cody. I chuckled at him and shook my head saying "No he's not he is watching Game of Thrones". "So? he is probably going to get tired and leave." Cody remarked. I believed him, so we decided to wait outside until he was gone. 30 minutes passed, and soon an hour passed and we were freezing our asses off outside waiting for my uncle to leave. "Why the f*** isn't he gone yet? He probably slipped into a comma from eating all my f***ing food." I said. It was too cold outside so I was gonna check and see if my uncle was sleeping or not so we could possibly enter the house and wait for him to leave. I couldn't find anything after creeping around my house, and my uncle was wide awake. We decided that we would just walk into the front door and told him what was up. When we got inside I explained to my uncle what happened and he understood and said he was going to leave soon. 10 minutes past and Cody and I returned to watching videos on Youtube, this time being "Top 10 scariest ghost videos caught on camera". Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door and someone shouted "Clark County Sheriff!" Cody and I looked at each other frozen in fear. We sneaked out into the hallway where we could hear my uncle talking to the Sheriff about a call he received about my house. "How are you doing tonight sir?" the Sheriff asked. "Good, what do you want? "We got a call from your neighbor telling us that there were two strange men creeping around the house looking for an entrance. We suspect that they were trying to break into the house and we just wanted to make sure everything was alright." My uncle laughed and said "Oh, that was my nephew and his friend hanging out outside." The Sheriff paused and asked "Why would they walk around the yard and try to go through the back door?" "I don't f***ing know they're dumb ass teenagers!" "Yeah I guess so. Goodnight then." the Sheriff said "Yeah whatever." My uncle came in and told us how stupid we were and we had a good laugh for about 5 minutes on how scared we were. Craig left and we ended up watching The Hunger Games. The rest of the night we just talked and eventually passed out. I guess my uncle never told my mom what happened, probably because he forgot the next day. That night I'll always remember, and I'll always remember just stupid teenage boys can be sometimes. It was around the same time of year that it is now when I moved over to Vancouver with my mother. My mother knew how unsettling it must have felt to leave your friends, or at least the very few you had, and arrive to a whole new place you had no knowledge of. I remember going out to buy some fresh new clothes so that I could look fresh and impress all of the new girls I would eventually meet and hey maybe even get to hang out with one for awhile. I didn't really have that much of a fashion statement, I just wore whatever felt comfortable to me, and something that was almost impossible to make fun of. I ended up getting this white button up shirt that didn't seem so bad, only thing was is that it was a couple sizes too big so I ended up looking like a young kid that just raided his parents wardrobe and decided to play dress up. I knew how stupid it looked, but then again, it was all I really had. After all, I just brought a small backpack of clothes that would suffice for my short visitation at my mothers house before I eventually had to go back to my home in Yakima with my father. But as the time came to come back home, my dad decided he wasn't going to show up. I was so curious why he just decided that he wasn't gonna pick his kid up, but that's a different story. So, it was finally my first day of school in Vancouver.
My mom was excited that I was finally able to be with her and get away from my father and the both of us not having to deal with him. My mom decided that morning that she was going to make breakfast for me to try to calm down all of the nervous thoughts I had in my mind. I ate, and now the time I was dreading approached. I jumped into the car and soon enough we were in front of the school with about 10 minutes to spare. "Gabe, I know you're still trying to adjust but I wan't you to stay positive. This is a new thing for the both of us, lets try to get used to it. What do you say?" I watched as I saw kids talking to each other and exchanging stories they had over winter break. "Alright." I said. "Have a good day at school!" Yeah right. I must have stuck out like a sore thumb because it felt like everyone was staring at me while I was walking to the front doors. But I knew I was going to be alright. I asked my brother for advise about switching schools and what not, and he gave me 3 rules to always follow. 1. Never talk to anyone first, the people who come up to you are probably the weirdos 2. Sit outside during lunch, there's always less people outside 3. Shut up and keep your head down I did as follows. I sat alone. I ate alone. I never opened my mouth. I didn't even look at anyone. I became a ghost, and I was perfectly okay with it. But eventually my natural social behavior broke free and I ended up meeting new friends and fell into a weird clique that was just made up of 3 people who were as weird as I am. My group of friends and I were so excited to be able to go to high school together and I thought that would be amazing considering that I wouldn't have to move again. But, I was wrong. I left my friends again, but I just wanted to give this new school a shot. Fort seemed like a nice place. Fast forward now to freshman year. My hair covered my eyes and I looked like coconut head from "Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide". My solid base of friends was now set, and I felt like I belonged somewhere now. My new school felt like home, my friends made my home even better, and I was starting to forget my old life and create a fresh new one with entirely different people. I always remember older people telling me stories, more than likely my uncle, about how high school is a place where you learn to find yourself and watch other people choose different paths and watch them change. Sometimes these changes were for good, and some change wasn't as good. But I was young, I blew off most of his stories and thought "whatever, it's just going to be the same through and through. My friends and I are going to graduate and be brothers forever." If only I knew then. Sophomore year was when things started to pick up speed, and I had to watch everyone slowly die around me, including myself. But it wasn't all bad. There was always a class that I hated, it was World History, so I picked it up right away, but the class was super boring. I was placed next to these people who seemed fine, but none of my usual friends were in this class besides a few. It was about 3 minutes since the bell rang for 1st period, I was early for class sitting in a chair waiting for class to start. The chair in front of me was empty, so I automatically thought "Yeah, now I can relax" and I rested my feet on the chair. Then out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a girl who was walking toward the seat so I put my feet down just in case that was her seat. Sure enough, it was. The whole time I was thinking "Wow, she is really pretty. DON'T SAY ANYTHING STUPID!" I soon enough started to talk to her, slowly but steadily we started to become friends. She was always late for 1st period because she was either at Dutch getting tea, or because she overslept. I remember getting sad because I thought she wasn't going to come to class that day. Whenever a late student would open the door I would swing my head around in excitement to see if it was her. Most of the time it was, and I couldn't help but let this smile out when I knew that I was going to be able to talk to her today. She made first period enjoyable and livable. Who knew she would eventually make my life that as well. Everything seemed to be going well, great actually. I got myself a girl, I made it onto the baseball team, my grades were great, and life at home was sweet and quiet. But life had other plans. There were lessons that needed to be taught, and there was no way of preparing yourself for these lessons. Drugs and alcohol has always been a problem for teenagers way before my time. It seemed like another part of growing up. I constantly was told to never involve myself with drugs and alcohol, and that seemed like a no brainer. But life had something to teach me, and I wasn't going to like it. My friends that I made in freshman year, they caught the habit, and I fell into the same hole with them. I started to care less. I cared less about baseball, I cared less about school, I cared less about home. Eventually while my mom was sleeping, I would sneak off during the night and walk around my neighborhood looking for something to do. There was no particular place to go so I wondered out on adventures with my friends and proceeded to pick our own poison for the night. There always seemed to be a moment in time where I would space out and look at myself from a third person point of view, and I didn't appreciate what I was seeing. It was too much, I had to leave quickly before I ended up doing something stupid. I came back home, crawled into bed, and cried. I knew what I was doing wasn't right, and I noticed that I started to change. My friends became distant, I didn't talk to my mother, and I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be alone so badly that I didn't even feel comfortable sleeping in my own bed. So I would dress with a lot of layers and grab a few blankets and crawl through my window and ended up walking to a park not to far away from where I live. There was a slide that I would lay one of the blankets on and then proceed to lay on top of it and look up into the stars. Everything was so peaceful. I seemed so small compared to that infinite void I stared into. I truly believed that I was an insignificant grain of sand who couldn't understand how to control himself and that it eventually wouldn't matter because at the end of the day the king and the pawn go into the same box. But it's how you play the game that determines weather a winner or a loser goes into the box. It's junior year now. I'm sitting at my computer writing this blog post that seems like a lot but in reality is just a small chapter on what my adventure is like, after all, I'm only 17. Over the course of life shaping me and making me change my perspective on things I notice that everything isn't silver and gold, but there are things that shine brighter than silver or gold. My friends are in a hole dug deep enough to were they can't get out, or it would be really hard to get yourself out it. I've met new people, and I've changed a lot. What's important to remember, however, is that I haven't really figured it out yet. Obviously that is a given, but there has been so much I've learned from the people I met, to the friends I've made, to my experiences weather they were good or bad, that all of this over a span of 3-4 years has completely changed who I thought I was. Granted, stupid decisions have still been made unfortunately. Life had a lesson though, and this one was important. One of the most powerful things to do is to admit that you are wrong. I know that I am young and have a lot to learn. But from what I can tell, what I think about High School is that it's one of the best and worst times of your life. But we all get out of it one way or another, and what you get from it is your own story, this is a part of mine, and I'm glad I got to share it with everyone here. Hello everybody. Aside from my rather serious posts I would like to step away from these serious subjects and focus on an even more serious subject...pizza. Listen to me on this, I'm gonna show you reasons and facts about pizza and why it is beneficial for your individual self and for the rest of the human race. 1. Pizza will never hurt you Aside from the obvious fact that pizza can almost all the time be classified as an unhealthy food for you, this is undeniably true. However, in a social situation, being that humans are very social animals and become healthy individuals when around others, some things about socializing with people can be a drag. One of these feelings include isolation. When you are alone either literally or mentally pizza can always be your anchor to reality and tell you that you aren't alone, it will love you and you will love it because it is delicious and a happy tummy means a happy mind. 2. Different Methods of Consumption The human race has come a long way in terms of progress for our technology, behavior, culture, language, and anatomy. But the one adaptation that has always grown parallel with human development was the discovery of tools and methods to preform certain actions using our gifted intelligence. When a human eats a slice of pizza, it is traditionally eaten from the front, slowly working your way up to the crust and if you are one of those weird people who don't like the crust then this doesn't apply to you because you aren't human. Stop reading this post now. I'm serious. Go away. Why are you still reading this go away you freaking weirdo go to your crust free home and cry that you can't bring yourself to enjoy the finest part of the pizza. Anyway, the different methods of eating pizza like folding it like a taco or rolling it up like a join....pizza roll...pizza roll yeah. This teaches early man to use his brain for solving complex problems. 3. Pizza is the Answer for Everything Coming from experience, I'm almost positive that almost everyone reading this has had a sense of being lost. Well, if you step back and take a deep breath then you will be able to smell of that dank pizza to guide you on the right path. When you are struggling with your homework and you feel like you will never get it, just have a slice of pizza and you will automatically become so smart that you can do it. When you feel like you've fallen and you can't get up, just reach of for that long piece of stringy cheese to pull you up and get you on your feet. |
AuthorHighly intelligent ape with access to an internet connection Archives
October 2016
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